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Pokémon Quartz #44


Alright… I’m totally going to do this I’m going to fight Da-


Alright… alright… As long as I don’t say the name I should be fine. Well, physically at least.


Almost there…


Y’know… maybe I don’t need to battle the gym to get out of Co-


OH GOD, THE MAW OF THE BEAST IS OPEN! 


I’ve got to keep my wits about me. You never know what could pop up in a… very well-lit building…

Whatever.


Yeah… I sure am closer of it…?

What the f*** man?








Am I going insane – at a faster rate than before, at least – or did the Advicer just give me worthwhile advice?

DID THE GODDAMN ADVICER JUST DO HIS GODDAMN JOB!?


I guess it’s best not to dwell on it, and to just move on…



…to the magic floor tiles.


I guess I should just pretend this **** is normal, then.


PERFECTLY NORMAL!


You don’t have a damn clue, lady. Not a damn clue.


What are you? My therapist?

Wait… do I actually have a therapist? It’s almost like it’s been two months and I can’t remember anything about myself…


That… is most definitely the most phallic dragon I have ever seen, and am ever likely to see, in my life.

Must be one of Baro’s twisted experiments…


This’ll take care of our little problem.



Though there’s always the off chance that it won’t…


TEH-PRO is still as professional as ever, though.


ANOTHER!? 

I’m getting the feeling that I’m not going to be a fan of this gym… 


Thank god they aren’t horribly strong…


do command the Abominable Army.




Was I just given a moral lesson in Corna, of all places?



…isn’t that how every single goddamn trainer does things? Does this mean that my Pokemon are dragons too? 


I can’t be the only one who sees this name and thinks ‘prawn’ in their head, right? RIGHT? 


Apparently dragons can be defeated by sharp things… why didn’t the Advicer tell me that?


You definitely didn’t train it to withstand the might of the Abominable Army. 


Are you trying to sound philosophical right now? Because it sounds a lot more like you’re autistic.


Err… I’ve just beaten two fairly handily, so yes… I do think that.


I’m sorry that my prior asskickings haven’t been up to your standa-

WAIT!

…did you just say ‘realize the true’? What the hell is this true, and how do I realize it?


Well Janice, let’s see this ‘true’ of yours.



This battle isn’t any more real than my past battles so far…


Is this a dragon…? Or… a coccoon?

It kind of looks like a pear.


Your Rage ain’t got nothin’ on R. Nixon’s.


He really didn’t have much of anything on anyone.


I don’t even… what?

ARE YOU PLAYING A TRICK ON ME?



AND A PITIFULLY WEAK TRICK? Corna is mocking me…



Screw Corna…


No… amazing isn’t the word… more like INEVITABLE. 

And I still don’t know what the true is…


POKeS?

What the hell did you just say sir? Do I have to beat it out of you?



I had to beat it out of him.


I won ‘thar’?

Good to know… good to know…



…moving on…


But you jus-

Leave it alone Steven…


There… are no words…


That looks more like a fat guy in a red suit than a dragon to me.


…is that some sort of platypus? With eyes that don’t quite connect to its body, of course.


STOP LYING TO ME, BUDDY! I HAVE AN ARMY!



Maybe if you spoke correctly you could speak more often?


Well, we can’t have anyone tripping over this…



I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR PUZZLES! I HAVE ASS THAT NEEDS KICKING! 


Well… I did kind of work my way through here… So maybe a little?


Shut your face.


We’ll see how this turns out…



That. 


All of this phallic imagery cannot be healthy…


You little b******.




That’s alright, though…


I believe the saying is ‘the tables have turned’; you silly, silly man.


For what? HORROR? 




Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier, and a lot less damaging to my poor eardrums, to just say ‘two hundred times’?


I guess I can finally head on over to face Da-

them





WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


Damn…


OH THANK GOD! DANNY IS A WOMAN, AND ALL IS WELL IN THE WORL-

…or at least as well as it can be in Corna…


Greetings, Danny – the woman.




I have not seen one Pokemon in this gym that I would call beautiful…

…their asses being kicked was beautiful in a way, is that what you were getting at?


‘Noblish’… such a cromulent word.


So were you appointed their sage by someone… was there an election? I’m confused. 


Cornians, certainly. Though I’m pretty sure that isn’t true for most humans…


…the hell?


I guess I’m not getting an explanation for that statement…


Did you know that you’re a member of that small percentile of women that are both hot and ghastly at the same time?

…I thought you deserved to know.


An ostrich and an unidentifiable animal… the closest to dragons that Corna has to offer.


Nothing that an elven-pillar and a royal bird can’t take care of.


Ostriches can’t fly. It’s a known fact.


Screw you, man.


I don’t think that you and I would make good friends, Mr. Freech.


Definitely not… 


Let’s see how they deal with a real dragon.


Freech is quickly becoming a major pain in my ass.


Let’s see how they deal with my type chart?


F***ING GOD FREECH!



Nothing can stand against TECHNICOLOR BEAM.




Dragon Rage… it’s always there for me.


Speed Boost is alway there, too… 


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-


Ostriches breathe fire now. THANKS CORNA!


BUT NOT SUPER EFFECTIVE ENOUGH, APPARENTLY, YOU AVIAN B******!


Bam.


****.



Two can play at this game, Danny. 


That ostrich is totally clawing at a pillar.


Roco…


Now why couldn’t you have done that the first time? 


F****ING BAM!


I sure did. 


Are you calling me old? 

And I sure as hell hope there are stronger dragons out there…


I deserve to go home, but I don’t think that’s going to happen…




What guy doesn’t want to here that their mistical powers will be upgraded?


…what about the fear of drowning?




Calm minds aren’t really conductive to asskicking…



Well why don’t you sages keep your move then? I’ve gotten by just fine without it so far…


My ass is hurting already…



God… I’m going to need so very much reconstructive surgery…


Damn straight. 


I guess there’s one thing left for me to do…





Oh god… I’m going to drown, aren’t I?

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